TORNADO!

That is what I thought after the kids left my classroom today. my classroom had seen its worst today. I find that often there are three parts to a school day. the before lunch chunk. and the after lunch chunk. and the after P.E. chunk (we have P.E. every day). Usually each chunk is given its chance to shine..and its chance to be a smooth running machine. Likewise, each chunk is given its chance to fail miserably. and usually it mostly depends on me: my mood, my attitude, my strength, so on and so forth.  Today, i was probably close to 0 for 3. It started out FABULOUSLY. i was hugged. i was greeted with smiles. I mostly had students come in and do what they were supposed to..except the usual 2 or 3 i have to ask like 13 times. Then, it fell to pieces. Some students just know how to push every one of your buttons. and one of my buttons is constant interruptions..and a great big giant button of mine, one that when pushed makes me get an intense tick and scowl, is deliberate disobeying. now, i hate that word. "obey." but i have a few students who dileberately do disobey (for lack of a better term). This classroom for some students is not a "I say jump, you say how high?" kind of classroom. For some it is an "I say jump, you say fuck you" kind of classroom. Well, at least that is what it feels like. And it is never right off the bat. They always sit in their seat, let me get going in the middle of a story (and feel great about my outstanding first graders that are acting like rockstars) and then right at the best part of the story, there are about 2 MAYBE 3 students who stand up and start playing with leggos (or cutting out paper for a future center, or pulling the pieces of the calendar apart...etc). No matter how many times I ask, they pretend they can't hear me. No matter how many methods I try, they only respond momentarily, until I try to teach the whole class again. I have tried be nice, I have tried asking, I have tried explaining the "why" in situations, i have tried applying to our classroom rules, I have tried getting mad, I have tried the "walk a mile in their shoes" method. I have tried to change me and my methods. I hace tried to rearrange seats, and the classroom. I have even called the prinicipal. Some students just must love trying to kill me. That must be the case...right?

Wrong. I know that is wrong. I know I need to do something. Surely I can be more prepared, more consistent, more...just better. right? I know a well-prepared lesson makes all the difference. But what happens when I am well-prepared and the students just want me to ALWAYS be calling their hame, want me to always stop the lesson to pay attention to them doing everything they are not supposed to? I know they are doing this because they are just waiting for me to tell them to stop. And if I ignore them they get louder, more obscene, more distracting.What happens when I have tried every method? I feel like I can't ignore them more, love them more, be more patient, be more forgiving, be more engaging, be more fun, be more mad, be more explicit. I also feel like I can't take another second to try to get the few kids not being attentive on task, when the whole class has to sit there and be affected by it. My heart breaks for the students in class who do a fabulous job  of everything and yet, are punished because of the few students who just will not cooperate at all. Their learning is affected, their school day is affected, and their annoyed and frustrated. I am trying to "build relationships." I have been told mutual respect will help the problem. And it totally does...for 8 minutes. I have had personal discussions moment after moment with a number of my students. In fact, the ones I spend all day in a constant struggle with, are the ones who hug me at the end of the day, hold my hand every chance they get, and want me to play with them at recess. Bonds are forming. I feel like i have taken my text book, taken others advice, taken all the good ideas i have been shown and given and just plastered them all over my classroom. I have displayed them in my every self. I have learned so much. And I am tired...the good news is. I am not yet exhausted...maybe, just maybe, there will be a second wind..?

But first. answer me this: WHAT NOW!?



also. updates:
I am now the Middle School Volleyball coach! SWEET!
I am going to Kenai this weekend!